Sunday, September 27, 2009

Do or Die Moment

There are moments in our lives when we must place a stake in the ground, draw a line in the sand, and declare "This far and no further." This is it, the tipping point, the moment in time when you either look the monster in the eyes and come out victorious or lose everything that you've ever gained. You know what you must do - the longer that you fail to accomplish it, the further that everything you've ever dreamed of will drift from your grasp. Either the pain of doing it becomes secondary to the immense need, or the fear of the pain crushes even the knowledge of the need. In these moments, we must declare, "I am not afraid." The pain is worth it. I am not afraid.

I normally try to avoid copying other people's work, but sometimes something so immeasurably great gets done that it's almost a crime not to pass it around as much as possible. In the most crushing moments when I wonder if I can go on, this poem by Eliot Fitzgerald, a musician that I've only ever heard on MySpace, speaks volumes to me.

The wind is fun to watch from the confines of my room
A window forced into a wall like a hole inside a tomb
Watch the leaves go up and up and watch them slowly fall back down
Hear the clouds rush idly by, hear them crash into the ground
No noise could ever save me from the voice inside my head
From the nightmares in my closet and the monsters in my bed
Your name is the sound I sigh when I am forced to see my breath
During winter chills of loneliness and the knowledge that there’s death

You see since every man must live, I guess that every man must die
Young and old and in between every man must laugh and cry
But there is joy, and there is sadness inside of every human heart
And there’s a slave and there’s a free man and a chance to never start
It seems I’m living in an age where the good guys just as bad
Every bastard born in darkness with a thorn upon his head
I’m haunted by the memory of my mother’s maiden name
And the perfection that I promised at a time that never came
I know my parents love me, and I know I love them back
But I know my love ain’t perfect and I see that there’s a lack
Of consequences for my actions, compensation for my days
Been doubting everything around me, God vindicate my ways

One by one, I see them come, the monsters to be named
They stand and fall, they walk and crawl
Here I am ashamed

A cemetery looks the best when formed outside a church
Dirt filled with all the lonely people who had given up the search
Some gave up because they found it, some quit some, some never tried
Everybody pondered looking, some alone, some side by side.
Oh God I wish a could have been there the day that Moses hit the stone
A man blessed by holy heaven, a man courageous and alone
I’d love to watch him drink the water, while the people stood and cheered
Did he know the well his sin would bring to bear all that he feared

Forty years he cried for nothing but my unrequited love
For the land I’ve only heard of from all these thunderclouds above
And oh God, oh yes I love you but right now I’m mad as hell
I am your friend God please remember I’m your voice inside this shell
Of human frailty and misgivings about the promises of truth
I only know God, what you’ve shown me, apart from that, there is no proof

I see the stars in all their glory, I see the waves crash on the shore
I see the order and the chaos, and I wish I could see more
Of your abundance in the desert and of your man on the sand
Instead of seeds you never pardon in this dry and lonely land
I’m gonna trust you Lord, I love you, you’re my savior and my friend
Give me strength to bear this moment of despair that you did send

One by one, I see them come, these monsters to be named
The stand and fall they walk and crawl, here I am afraid

The night crawls through my window as I crawl into my bed
And dream of candles I left burning next to books I never read
Hear the birds no longer singing, I see a black behind the rain
I see the emptiness that’s filled with songs of birds and crushing pain
My name is no more than a sound my presence somehow seems to draw
Symbols scribbled on a paper to fulfill this nation’s law
Here’s my name, if I could give it, myself and etched into my chest
I am a man, I am a poet, I am redeemed and I’m a mess
I have joyful lips and tragic eyes on the same face that hides a soul
That lives to love a God whom death alone allows me to behold

One by one I see them come, these angels to be praised,
They stand and fly they never die
Here I stand amazed
In you I stand amazed
I stand amazed
I stand amazed
Are you amazed?

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