Parenthood, From a Non-Parent

Yeah, I'm not a dad.  I've been married a little shy of 4 years, but we don't have any kids yet.  It's been a pretty intentional decision on our part, for a variety of reasons.  We've both got interesting and exciting careers.  We've got a thriving life together full of friends, hobbies, travel, and family.  And it's also, unfortunately, a subject around which we both feel some negative emotions.

Part of the reason why I feel negative emotions when I think about having kids, and it's something that my wife and I have discussed in depth, is that I feel a stigma around kids when I'm around some families with children.  Our American culture kind of revolves around kids, and they have a script for young families like us.

The script started with dating.  You were supposed to plan a kind of extravagant engagement, then a really special wedding.  Then you were supposed to get a pet and buy a house.  Then you are supposed to get pregnant, and plan a unique and exciting gender reveal.  Next you decorate a cuter baby nursery in your house than any of your friends. Then you have the kid, give it a creative name that not many other kids have, and start posting monthly pictures on Facebook.  Starting with the first birthday, each birthday party needs to be more extravagant and memorable than the last.  Repeat the kid thing, then fast forward 18 years.

For one thing, my wife and I kind of feel out of touch with that script.  Sure, we've walked part of that road already.  We had a wonderful engagement, but it was kind of a private affair for us, our families, and her friends.  We loved our wedding, because it strongly reflected our values and who we are (but a lot of our guests may have found it weird).  We are total dog people and we love our house.  It's the next steps that have us really uncomfortable, though.  I totally get parents who walk it - you're super proud of your kid, love them like there's no tomorrow, and want everyone to know it.  It can just have something of a negative impact on people with different values.

For years, we've both heard enough stories of extreme themed birthday parties to make us poke our eyes out.  We've been barraged with the "Just wait until you have kids" and "I remember when we used to have free time" and "I haven't slept in months" and "You don't understand because you don't have kids" until we feel unworthy to stand next to parents and wonder if we actually do want to have kids.  Perhaps it's our basic human need to feel like we're better than others that can cause us to make our lives sound super tough, but sometimes it seems like parents want to make it sound unappealing.  I've even heard parents who had challenging kids disparage parents whose kids slept through the night and didn't have colic, as if they did something wrong!

If you've seen this movie you know why it's relevant here.

Look, it's not that I think kids are some kind of annoying distraction from life.  I certainly don't intend to neglect my family or become a workaholic.  That's selfish.  Parenthood has a lot to do with making sacrifices for your kids, and I doubt that many parents regret any of it.  We have some wonderful friends who have a great attitude toward parenting and are inspirational to us.  I'm just not sure that some of our American kid culture doesn't contain a few too many elements of vain parental boasting in front of our peers.  Parents who can't afford or don't want to rent a bounce house, a snow-cone machine, and a band for their 3-year old's birthday party aren't any less parents than those who can.  Parents who can't afford or don't want to stay home and enroll their kids in 4 sports each aren't less capable than those who do.  How much you do or don't do for your kids doesn't necessarily make you a better or worse parent.  I figure it's got to be more about the values you pass on and the love that you show.

It's also not that I think I've got a better recipe to parenthood than all the current parents out there.  It's exactly the opposite, in fact.  I have no clue how to be a parent, and I feel that acutely from all the stinging comments about how I am clueless.  I have great respect for those who are out there doing it 24/7.  Someday I'll be there and I'll be figuring it out on the fly, too.  It's just that when non-parents like myself hear all about how being a parent is the hardest thing ever and look at this perfect hand-painted Mickey over all my brand new furniture, it doesn't really make us look forward to it.  Facebook allows us to share these little windows on our lives that give an incomplete picture.

Katie and I will have kids some day, I'm sure.  And I have no doubt that we'll get a little over-sharey with a picture or two of them on Facebook, and adjusting to a new rhythm of life will be challenging.  But what if we don't decorate a baby room?  What if our kid's first birthday consists of us and our family over with a cake?  What if our lives continue to be about ministering to people, building community, and serving the ministries we love, but with the addition of a child?  We'd like to bring a child into our world so that they learn our values and vision, not go into the child's world and use them to show off to our friends.  We're not so sure that we want our kids growing up in a family where they are the Center of All Things.

Can we please, for the sake of young married couples like myself, stop making parenthood seem daunting and unappealing?  Can we get a little less advice, a little less peer pressure, and just be part of your lives along with your kids?

But then again, what do I know?  I'm not a parent yet.