Take all the international trips I've taken, for example. I grew up thinking in terms of mission trips. You travel, share the Gospel, help build a house, and then return home changed by the experience. It was powerful, and fun, and I don't regret a single trip. But I started to get confused. What makes a trip a mission trip? I was exposed to many of the questions around short-term mission trips, and realized I agreed with them. I couldn't figure out what it would mean to be a "missionary" or go on a "mission trip." It was, at once, a category both too broad and too narrow. I ceased going on mission trips, though I never stopped traveling with ministries. I have volunteered several times overseas now, as a construction volunteer, a volunteer leader, a business volunteer, and so forth. My wife and I are traveling again this summer to visit friends and family in two ministries and encourage people.
A similar sort of thing is happening with the so-called "Christian" life at home. I used to have a clear conception of what a Christian life was. I used to raise my hands in church, I used to have regular quiet times with my Bible, I used to be in small groups. But somewhere along the way, I think I lost track of what these things meant. They became facets of the life I was supposed to be living, kind of like how when you propose you're supposed to have a super-creative idea and post it on YouTube, or when you announce your pregnancy you're supposed to one-up the last couple that did it. These were just things that you were supposed to do as a Christian.
Somehow along the way, I just kind of stopped doing most of these things. Even though my wife is the music leader at our church, I'm more often found building a relationship in the back or serving in some little way that needed doing. Especially since getting married, I've just never quite found out when you're supposed to do a 45-minute quiet time every day. I don't think I've been in a small group Bible study since 2011. I discovered that I really feel at home in life when I'm spending my evenings with my hands in the dirt in the backyard or running my miter saw in the garage. Between hosting people in our home, enjoying life as a married couple, working on our house, and trying to get at least one really good international trip in per year, it's amazing how regularly my wife and I look at each other and just sigh, "Our life is so awesome." We're busier than ever, but just loving all the things we're involved in.
In the midst of it all, I've discovered some different rhythms of life. My mind is constantly on the weather, how long it's been since I watered our flowers, how the sun is going to move with the seasons and affect our growing, and so forth. My budgeting seems to look more like finding out just how much money we can give away, and using our money in the most valuable ways, rather than saving it for later. I can't shake thoughts of how it's just been way too long since we had such-and-such over for dinner, and rather than picking up the latest inspirational Christian book, I battle to make time to read classics of literature. I quit listening to Christian rock radio and opt instead for classical music (I get super excited when one of my favorites comes on). I go out of my way to build relationships with neighbors and constantly think of how my wife and I could minister to them.
I often wonder if I'm in a bad place spiritually. I wonder if God gets angry with me for never finishing that inductive study of Isaiah, or if I've just forgotten Him in a life that is far too busy. Then I go back to that really awful skill that I have of asking ridiculous questions. Why is our definition of a Christian life patterned like this? Who says church is supposed to look like this? What did a Christian life look like through the ages, during times when Bibles weren't readily available or church was something you did in your home a few times a week with your closest friends rather than on Sundays?
My faith and Christian life is a bit unusual, but whose isn't? The hallmarks of mine include such unusual things as having my phone interrupt me at regular liturgical hours of prayer (and usually angrily dismissing God's interruption of my busy plans, then feeling bad about it later). I found a few devotional books that I really like and I read them over and over again. I work at a Christian ministry and it makes some people happy to call me a missionary, but I'm pretty sure I'm just an operations director. Some people probably look at me and say, "You don't have good small group and quiet time habits now, what are you going to do when you have kids?" Answer: probably still not be in a normal small group or do a daily quiet time. It's been a long and ongoing process to remind myself that this actually doesn't make God angry with me.
One thing I think I have put together, however: I don't think God scripted out a "Christian life." It looks to me like He created a bunch of unique people and called them to be Christians. As somebody said, "Christian" makes a great noun but a terrible adjective. Living my life as a Christian rather than trying to live a Christian life has been a challenging and confusing journey, but one that I'm enjoying traveling. I'll let you know someday if I figure out the answers, but don't hold your breath - that's not something I'm good at. I'll be happy to ask unusual and impossible questions with you, however. Give me a call anytime.